which is never.

i’ll cut this post so i don’t bother anyone.

pft. midterms are a few weeks from now, and i have to prepare.

starting from the beginning—

tbh i have problems with school. my grades arent good, even though i actually study. to get to my dream college, then dream med-school, i have to be in at least top five in my class.

competition in my school is pretty intense, mostly bc parents force their kids to study. some of them may be lazy, but they’re really smart and genuinely don’t have to study to be at the top.

worst of all, these three girls bully me. i’ll call them ‘c’, 'n’, and ’m’. c shares the same first name as me, and for some reason she can’t take being not the only 'c’ out there.

her friends, n and m, hate me for no reason that’s known to me. the bad thing is that they have connections (private catholic schools have this weird thing where 99% of everyone is a rich person otl; ppl often think that makes them justified to shame the homeless, nonwhite, women, noncis, lgbt community, or working people), and that they’re among the people who’re admittedly very smart.

i want to beat them at this, at least. these few months of school have been the worst i’ve ever experienced. i’ve been catcalled, hooted at, shrieked, called racist names, been made fun of, and more things. once i was walking to my father’s car on a half-day and these guys that wore my school’s jerseys in a red car shrieked at me, made monkey noises, called me a chink, and went 'ching chang chong’. people have said to my face that i’m 'an ugly asian’, and that 'all asians are ugly’.

the other asian kids look down on me, for two reasons:
1.) i’m part chinese, born in the philippines, and speak the language (albeit not fluently). for some reason they treat me like i’m some kind of wild savage person who can’t speak english 'like them’.
2.) i actually speak out against people who bully me, even 'for fun’. i never tolerate it when people make fun of my orientation, ethnicity, gender, or anything. even if it’s a joke, it’s not really funny if you call someone a 'dog-eater’ for being asian.

idek i want to be successful, and show these douchebags that they’re not always invulnerable, or the best.

i’m sorry… i just want to do this. i want five years of depression, suicidal thoughts, and fighting off the urge to cut and die to pay off into something worthwhile.

so this is a temporary goodbye— i’ll be stocking up my queue loads today, and otherwise preparing myself. today’s by the way my last day of all-day internet— i’ll be back in my home in PA tomorrow, where i have to share a computer with everyone in my family… and my father’s always giving me work bc he thinks technology is evil, and that my 'depression’ is fake and is bc of mangas or something. otl.

anyway, i probably won’t be really online on the weekends either. or on breaks. depends.

goodbye for now…! if you read all of this, i commend you…! i hope your 2014 is really good, and filled with happiness!

♥, Orihime~